


Maybe if I tell myself enough

by dreamscomeslow



Category: The Maze Runner Series - James Dashner
Genre: Angst, Five Times, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-27
Updated: 2015-06-27
Packaged: 2018-04-06 11:00:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4219239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreamscomeslow/pseuds/dreamscomeslow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five times Newt almost confessed his feelings to his best friend and one time Thomas did.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Maybe if I tell myself enough

**Author's Note:**

> Title from the song "Over You" by Ingrid Michaelson.

The first time Newt realized Thomas was more than just a friend, he was seventeen. He and Thomas had been friends since they were thirteen years old when Thomas had arrived at his school. They had gotten along from the beginning and had been best friends ever since. At least that’s what Newt had thought until now. All his friends were in relationships or had been already when Newt understood he didn’t want to be with anyone but with Thomas.

The boy always looked pleased, never taking anything too seriously. He was kind-hearted and only desired for everyone to be as content as he was. He was Newt’s balance, he who was often too worried about everything and who got extremely stressed at any little problem. Thomas was a ray of sunshine in his life until he slowly became the sun, without Newt realizing it.

One day, while he was staying at Thomas’, he woke up before the sky was truly bright. Newt frequently awakened around 5 am during the weekends when he could have easily slept until 12 am when he had to go to school. However, when he was at Thomas’ he was always able to go back to sleep for a little while longer, unlike when he was anywhere else. This morning, as he understood it wasn’t because he was at Thomas’ but because he was with him, he promised himself to confess how he felt to his best friend the next morning, since they never kept anything from each other.

When he turned around to find a better position in the bed, his eyes met Thomas’. Since he had a double bed two years ago, and Newt’s bad leg hurt from sleeping on the floor, the friends had been sleeping together. The boy looked terribly sleepy, his hair a mess and his eyes almost closed, he contained a yawn before mumbling in a low voice a small “Morning”.

“Hi.” Newt whispered back and he couldn’t help but smile when his friend fought his somnolence to inquire after his well-being.

“Can’t sleep?”

“It’s fine.” Newt looked fondly at Thomas and he recognized that’s why he loved him, because he genuinely cared. No one had ever cared as much for him as Thomas. Newt knew he could ask him anything, everything and the boy would do it. And that’s what scared him in this grayish morning, the fact that he could lose that if he told him how he felt. The fact that maybe Thomas wouldn’t treat him the same way if he discovered Newt wanted something more from him, from their relationship. So he stayed quiet, he silenced his feelings hoping that they would go away with time. After all, it may have just been a stupid crush caused by his stupid hormones and in that case, it was definitely not worth ruining everything for it.

Newt cuddled up to Thomas who had opened his arms and sighed lightly. “Everything is fine.” he repeated before falling asleep.

 

***

 

It was a hot night of summer, Thomas and Newt, as well as other friends were in a club to celebrate Thomas’ 21st birthday. He was the last of the band to reach the majority and he expected to enjoy the night as much as possible. Already slightly drunk, he was dancing in the middle of the dance floor with their friend Minho. A wide smile on his face and his eyes glowing in the dark, he looked incredibly happy. Even though his movements weren’t perfect because of the alcohol, Newt had to admit he was still a very good dancer.

Even after all these years, Newt was always impressed by this hidden talent. He remembered the first time he saw his friend dancing, it was at prom where they went together because they had no one else to go with. They had came to the agreement to only stay a little bit before returning home and  having a Breaking Bad marathon. Newt had expected them to eat some food, talk with their friends a bit but he had certainly not expected Thomas to drag him on the dance floor. They had danced for a good twenty minutes, Newt only following the movement because it was his best friend and he couldn’t refuse him anything, before leaving the dance floor and the party when the slows had begun to play and the matching couples had invaded the place.

“Newt, what are you doing? Don’t stay here alone, come and dance with us!” Newt shook his head to come back to reality and turned around to see a panting Thomas standing next to him. His forehead was sweaty and he was breathless but he had never looked so excited. Newt smiled at the vision, he looked like a child on a Christmas morning. “I’m fine, Tommy. Actually, it’s really hot here, I think I’m going to get some fresh air.” he tried to excuse himself because it was really hot in the club but it was even more with Thomas next to him.

Over the years, Newt had understood that his feelings for Thomas weren’t ephemeral and it became more and more difficult to hide them, especially when his best friend was getting hotter every year.

“Okay, I’m coming with you.” he heard Thomas shout to drown the music out. Newt rolled his eyes at the statement because he was actually trying to avoid Thomas. However, he didn’t say a word and kept moving towards the exit of the club, Thomas closely following him.

It wasn’t exactly fresh outside because the weather was oppressive but at least it wasn’t as hot and steamy as inside, Newt thought when he felt the warm air on his face. He let out a small sigh of contentment.

“Is it better?” Thomas asked with concern in his voice and Newt simply nodded. “Cool, because I need to talk to you about something. It’s important.” he added and Newt felt his heart miss a beat. That was it, Thomas had discovered Newt was acting weird those days, that he was avoiding him and he had became suspicious.

Newt turned around to face Thomas and took a deep breath. He couldn’t keep pretending anymore and tonight would be the night he was going to admit his feelings to his best friend. “Look Tommy-” he began but he was cut off by Thomas. “It’s about Teresa and I.”

Newt frowned at that, not really sure to understand and Thomas continued. “All year we talked about it but I wasn’t sure so that’s why I didn’t say anything.”

 _There we go._ Of course, it had to happen like this. Thomas had been oblivious all those years so why would he realize his best friend was in love with him just now? His girlfriend, however, would notice something like that.

“We’re going to live together next year so you’ll need to find a new roommate. Don’t worry I’ll help you find an excellent person to replace me, actually I started listing-” Thomas wasn’t able to finish his sentence because Newt had burst out laughing in front of him. Doubled up, he was holding his stomach with his hands and when he stood up straight, his face was red and tears were running down his cheeks.

“What is it? Did I say something funny?” Thomas inquired, surprised but with a smile on his face at the sight of his friend.

Newt shook his head as he tried to calm down by breathing slowly. He couldn’t believe he had almost confessed he was in love with his best friend when this one precisely wanted to talk about his girlfriend and himself. In fact, it was kind of sad because Newt had been ready to tell Thomas during a few seconds. He sighed before answering. “No, it’s nothing. I’m sure we’ll find someone great. Don’t worry, Tommy, it’s fine.”

“Okay, but not someone as great as me. I wouldn’t want to be replaced as best friend too.”

Newt chuckled thinking no one could ever replace Thomas in his heart, not even if he tried too.

 

***

 

The loud knocking against the door intensified and Newt, who had raised an intrigued eyebrow, realized that it was at his door someone was knocking. He promptly got up from his bed after taking out his earphones and putting down his computer, and without taking time to put some pants on top of his underwear, he quickly reached the entrance. When he opened the door, he stiffened. His best friend, Thomas, was on the other side, shivering, his eyes red and his lips trembling.

“Tommy, what’s going on?” Newt immediately inquired, worried about his friend. He had never seen him so miserable in their thirteen years of friendship.

“Can I come in?” the young man simply replied in a shaky voice.

“Of course.”

After a few minutes of silence when Thomas, sitting on the couch, tried to calm, he told Newt everything. He had been at his mother’s house for a little less than a week to meet her new boyfriend who she was going to marry in a couple of months and when he had came back tonight, earlier than originally planned, he had surprised his girlfriend with another man in their bed.

Newt prevented himself from any “I told you so” comments because even though he had never liked the girl - he didn’t even remember her name - Thomas seemed pretty touched which could only mean one thing, he was in love with her. This conviction struck Newt and he felt his heart break a little but he ignored it. He had became accustomed to that feeling with time.

He didn’t know what to say so he didn’t speak but instead, sat down next to Thomas and took him in his arms for a warm hug. The boy responded by putting his face against Newt’s shoulder and gripping his shirt tightly. It was a desperate embrace as if without Newt, Thomas would drown in his feelings, and the blond thought maybe he would.

Newt’s jaw clenched with anger when he felt tears in his neck. Why would anyone cheat on Thomas, of all people? The guy was always so happy and cheerful, how could someone make him so wretched?

“I don’t understand why she would do that.” Thomas sobbed, barely audible, voicing Newt’s thoughts. He wanted to tell Thomas he would never hurt him like that because he was his everything, he loved him more than his own life and the simple thought of causing him so much pain was unthinkable. He wanted to take him somewhere else, somewhere far away from here to protect him from everything and everyone. He couldn’t stand the idea of anyone hurting his Tommy again. But of course, he didn’t say a thing. Because it wasn’t the right time, and it never would be. Because he couldn’t afford to lose Thomas again, especially not forever.

“Can I stay here tonight? I don’t want to impose, I know we didn’t see each other a lot these last months but-” Thomas asked, pulling away to look at Newt who interrupted him.

“Of course, Tommy. You can stay as long as you want. Come on now, we should go to bed, it’s already past midnight.”

“Like old times.” Thomas whispered with a broken smile. “I’ve missed you Newt, I’m so sorry I neglected our friendship for her.”

Newt sighed at that because he was the only one to blame. After Teresa and Thomas had broken up two years ago, Newt had tried to stay away from his best friend who was now single, to avoid any undesired confession. When he had heard Thomas was seeing someone again, he had reconnected with him but he had soon realized his new girlfriend and he weren’t getting along at all. So as to prevent Thomas from having to choose between the two of them – and knowing that he would never be chosen over the girl - Newt had decided to keep his distances again.

“It’s fine, Tommy. It wasn’t your fault.”

***

 

“Do you think I’m ever going to be that happy?” Thomas wondered out loud. Newt turned his eyes away from the bride and the groom to look at his best friend. His eyes were filled with emotion as he watched his mother and his from now on stepfather dancing as a married couple for the first time.

“Why wouldn’t you be?”

“I don’t know, after how my last relationship ended I’m not sure I could trust someone enough to vow to spend the rest of my life with them.” Thomas grimaced, still not totally over the cheating.

“Tommy, you’re only 26 years old! You still have plenty of time to find the love of your life.” Newt retorted, wincing at his last words. They hadn’t spoken of this kind of thing for a few years already. “And anyway, not everyone is a cheater, look at Teresa.”

“Yeah but we still broke up and I didn’t exactly picture myself living with her forever.”

“Then it means she wasn’t the one for you. But trust me, there’s someone for you out there, Tommy. Someone incredible who’s going to make you laugh, and cry sometimes too but it won’t matter. You will still love them no matter what happens, even if you don’t want to, even if you want to hate them with all your heart. You’ll trust them with everything, without thinking, and you won’t be able to imagine your life without them in it because they will become your life. And believe me, once you find them, you won’t ask yourself any question about if you want to spend the rest of your life with them.”

Newt stopped when he saw the way Thomas was looking at him. It was as if he had a revelation, as if he knew what he was talking about but he had never been able to express it or to understand what it really meant until this particular night.

“What is it?”

“It’s weird, the way you describe it, it seems you already found that special person. Did you?” Thomas asked in a brittle voice and he seemed disappointed for some reason.

Newt giggled nervously at that because what could he say, really? That he had found him a long time ago already, that he would entrust him with his life because he had never trusted someone more than Thomas. That nothing would make him happier than spending the rest of his life with him, waking up every morning next to him.

That was just stupid, Thomas was his friend and he would never be anything more. After all, today was another proof of that. Thomas had asked him to come to the wedding only because he no longer had a girlfriend and Newt was his _best friend._

“No, of course not, Tommy. I’m pretty sure you would have known if I had found him, don’t you think?” Newt winked, hurting himself even more but it didn’t matter anymore. It was a part of his daily routine now, reminding himself he could never be with Thomas. “But don’t worry, I’m convinced you’ll find the one and only for you soon. And then, everything will be fine again.”

 

***

 

He could feel his hot breath against his neck and his cheek. He could feel the heat coming from his body behind him. He could feel everything and nothing at once because this was already too much and yet, not enough at the same time. It felt unreal. The alcohol had taken him away, he was numb but simultaneously he had never felt more alive. He needed more so he turned around to face Thomas, only to discover a cheeky smile on his lips as if that was exactly what he had wanted.

Now he could smell sweat and he spotted it on Thomas’ forehead but he could also smell his scent which was so familiar, almost like home. He examined his face even though he knew it by heart and just had to close his eyes to see it. He knew exactly where all his moles and wrinkles were when he laughed or frowned.

As they kept dancing to the music, Newt locked his eyes with Thomas’ which were twinkling with excitement and a bit of apprehension. Newt was starting to wonder why when he felt hands on his lower back bringing him closer to Thomas, his arms naturally wrapping around the boy’s neck. Their bodies were now pressed against each other, complementing one another and it seemed to be as it should always have been.

Unconsciously Newt’s eyes went down to Thomas’ lips and lingered on them. They were so close, the air they were breathing was the same. Newt felt his face heat up and he didn’t know if it was because of Thomas’ warm breath against his face or because of the entire closeness. He had to bit his lip to restrain himself from kissing the other guy, because he really wanted to and for so long now.

He looked at Thomas’ eyes again to surprisingly discover Thomas was looking at Newt’s lips with something that appeared to be lust in his expression.

Newt stopped moving and at the same moment Thomas got closer, his nose caressing Newt’s cheek and his lips hovering over Newt’s mouth. The blond wanted it so badly, his entire body was ready. He wanted to put all his feelings for Thomas in the kiss, to tell him everything he never had the courage to say out loud with it, to finally stop pretending.

But he didn’t do it. He couldn’t. Because his best friend was drunk and so was he. Because he didn’t want them, and especially Thomas, to regret it the next morning. Because he hadn’t acted all these years to preserve their friendship, to see it ruined in a night. Because he was afraid this would only be a nice one-night stand to Thomas when it would be so much more to him.

Because he had a thousand more excuses, he pulled away from the embrace and left the club without a word and without seeing the sorrowful expression on Thomas’ face.

 

***

 

The white room was filled with Thomas’ sobs, disrupting the silence of the dark afternoon. Face down, he didn’t have the courage to look at his friend lying on the bed. His cold hand was resting between Thomas’, inert.

“Please, Newt. Come back.” Thomas managed to say with a broken voice. The sound of the wind in the branches on the other side of the window came as the only answer.

“I need you.” And more than ever, it was the truth. Thomas needed Newt to tell him everything was going to be okay because he was the only one he could believe right now. Newt had always been the best to comfort him, no matter the situation.

But Newt will not reassure him now. Not ever again, actually.

Thomas had to wipe away his tears to realize his hands were still covered with Newt’s blood. He hadn’t taken the time to clean them, too anxious to have news, he had stayed in the waiting room during what seemed to be hours, hoping someone will talk to him every time a doctor came.

Eventually the news had come but they were not good. Even if Newt was still conscious when Thomas had found him, he had became unconscious quickly after, way before the ambulance had arrived, and since he had lost a lot of blood, there was not much the doctors could have done to save him.

Thomas closed his eyes trying to forget how he had fell apart when the doctor had told him he could go see him, one last time. However, it only brought him back to the moment he had found Newt. The dark blood was contrasting with Newt’s pale skin and the white floor tiles of the bathroom where he was lying down.

Thomas shook his head, chasing the horrible image of his mind. He knew it wasn’t the first time, of course, but he hadn’t been the one to find him the time before. All he had to do was go see Newt at the hospital, alive with his wounds covered.

Behind him, the door opened and he recognized the nurse’s voice. “Excuse me, sir, his family is here.”

“Just a minute, please.” Thomas replied in a hoarse voice, trying to conceal how devastated he was. He didn’t know how to face Newt’s parents and sister right now, and he didn’t want to leave Newt because he knew it would be the last time he would ever be with him. At the thought, he felt tears running down his face again but he didn’t find the strength to wipe them away this time.

 Instead, he slowly got up and came closer to Newt’s face, finally looking up towards it. His skin was dull and his eyes were closed but Thomas knew if they were open, there would be no life in it. One of his hand stroke Newt’s hair before resting on his face.

“You can’t leave me… I love you.”

Thomas knew it was pointless to say it now because it didn’t matter anymore, but he had to tell him, at least once, even if the first time would also have to be the last. With a sigh, he leaned towards Newt’s forehead where he left a kiss and as a tear came crash down next to it, he withdrew. With one last glance, Thomas turned around to head towards the door, having said goodbye to the love of his life.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey!! I'm really sorry this doesn't have a happy ending but when I started writing this story - in the middle of my exams, because I'm the queen of procrastination - I couldn't picture another ending than this one. To make it up for this, know that I'm writing a little sequel to Bloody Boyfriend which is going to be full of fluff and I also plan to write a super cute one-shot full of happiness and silly things! ;)
> 
> Anyway, I still hope you enjoyed this little story, tell me what you thought of it.
> 
> P.S: English is not my native language, sorry for the mistakes.


End file.
